...aku ingin menjadi sesuatu....

Assalamualaikum semua...hrp sume org bhgia dgn insan2 istimewa..:)

ni post yg ke 3 sjk ak disahkn ad HIV...yup,for those yg br tau,ak admit,ak ad HIV..:)...pejam celik pejam celik,dh hmpir sebulan ak ditemani dgn sakit ni..hehhe...dan alhamdulillah,idup ak msh normal mcm biasa..xde la rse major change..sehinggakn ak terlupa ttg hakikat idup ak kini..hmm...but it will s/how change my life nti..:) ..hmm...

kli ni,ak cume nk share s/thing yg ak rse sgt dkt dlm hakikat kejadian manusia dan emosi manusia tu s'diri..iaitu: ingin menjadi sesuatu yg berhrga pd s/one yg kte sayangi..hmm...dan ak pon trus trg katekn yg ak pon t'ingin nk jd s/thing or s/one spesel pd org laen...haha..in fact, most of my posts n 'Warkah' citer psl ni implicitly..bezany,ak xla sebertuah org laen....yg sudah pon m'jdi s/thing or s/one spesel pd idup org laen..

to be honest, ak jeles tgk mereka yg berjaya m'dptkn s/thing or s/one spesel dlm idup dorg..hahaha..mklum la,bnyk kwn2 sebaya yg dh ad tunang,dh kawen...ad yg ad bf...or gf...or sbgny..hmm...kdg2 ble tgk post fb dorg pon dh cukup rse epi utk dorg.hahhaa..gler stalker ak ni..hahaa....

dan sungguh, spjg ak knal dunia plu ni,ak cume terasa mcm jd 'barang' yg klo dorg xnk,dorg akn buang jer...ckit pon kehadiran ak dlm idup dorg,tdak dpt menyentuh ati dan perasaan mereka...hahaa..gler merapu la plak ak ni..hmm...

how to kno dat u r s/one spesel to somebody??hmm..mgkin ak pon xtau nk detect..tp,to me,there are some indicators la..cthny:
i) klo org tu berubah sbb ikut nasehat kte, means we are s/one to that person...
ii) klo setiap kate2 kte dpt wat dia epi..tu pon mgkin menunjukkn yg kte ni spesel...
iii) even,klo dia share citer dia a-z,tu pon blh jd tnda yg dia percaya n anggap kte ni spesel...hmm..
iv) plg common is: ble org tu salu chat or call sbb rse xlengkap klo xchat/call kte dlm sehari..
v) dan...klo org tu salu stalk ap kte wat tiap hr so dat dia rse dkt pd kte..hmm

tp yg kelakarny,ckit pon ak xpnah kot tergolong dlm indicator2 tu..hahaa..xtau la klo ad indicator laen plak..hmmm...yg psti,ak jela yg kdg2 terikut nasehat (yg baek) dr org laen...ak je yg epi dgn kate2 org laen tu..ak je yg share citer2 ak..(especially kt blog ni) dan salu rse xlengkap klo x chat dgn dat s/one..hm....in fact,ak je la yg duk stalk fb/wechat org tu..hahha..agkny mgkin sbb ak xtau mcm mne nk 'touch' s/one's heart ...coz i am just ordinary person,yg xde pape keistimewaan mcm org len pon..hmm..

dlu,ak wat blog ni adlh utk share part of my life yg ak xmmpu nk citer..hmm..lme2 ak terpikir dat diz blog maybe utk jd teladan pd diri ak s'diri atau mgkin pd org laen..dgn harapn ia akn beri sedikit inspirasi..hmm..tp, rseny blog ni xdpt beri pape inspirasi...hmm..aptah lg diri ak ni xpnah mmpu utk menyentuh perasaan dan ati org laen..haha...sbb tu la my blog tagline is: ""being myself is a weakness,looking to myself is a shame,knowing myself is a failure.."..haha..it is a complete looser..nvr mind, i'm used to it..hmm..

so,since last Friday,lagu 'dealova' kt bwh ni salu terngiang2...ntah la wei...neway,I have to accept that I am not someone to somebody....mgkin smpai ble2 pon i m a looser in dat sense..but i still wish dat i've touched s/one's heart....or will be able to touch s/body's feelings....hmm

"Aku ingin menjadi mimpi indah dalam tidurmu
aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yg mungkin bisa kau rindu
karena langkah merapuh tanpa dirimu
oh karena hati tlah letih

Aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yg selalu bisa kau sentuh
aku ingin kau tahu bahwa ku selalu memujamu
tanpamu sepinya waktu merantai hati
oh bayangmu seakan-akan"

Semoga ak trus tabah utk hr mendatang...amin..:)
ensem gak dewa 19 ni yer..hahahhaha..

serba salah..hmm

Salam n hi sume..pekabar?hrp2 sehat la yer..amin..

sblm ak mulakn post ni,ak nk pomot lagu yg korg dgr kt blog ak ni...ak br je tuka..tjuk nya:Buatku di Sana...mula2 1st time dgr,mcm xbest sgt...yela,besany genre lgu2 ak yg slow2 n melankolik..haha..tp,1 day ad org pomot lgu ni kt ak..ble dgr 2-3 kli,br r perasan,lirik dia sgt pnuh makna..try r dgr..hehe..

ok,back to d post..hmm..kli ni nk citer psl perasaan 'serba slh'..bkn 'bersalah' yer..hee..rseny sume org akn ad perasaan cmni...btul x?depends pd ap yg kte dh pnah wat la..hmm..

my story kli ni ialah ttg rse serba slh pd s/one yg ajk utk berjmpe...dlm diri ni rse serba slh nk jmpe dia..hmm...citerny gini:..
1 day tgh kje,ak dpt call dr s/one..ak pon t'kjut gak ble dia tbe2 call ak time kje..saluny dia akn call mlm..tp,bkn la tiap2 hr..dia pon ad jadual utk call skandal2 n ex2 bf dia..muahahahaa...mklum la,rmai sgt peminat..kah kah kah...so d unscheduled call tu happen..hmm.tbe2 dia ckp (lbh kurg): "ko nk jmpe ak x?"...perh...terkjut gak ak time tu..hmm...dgn selambanya ak jwb: "segan la wei nk jmpe ko...haha".....dia tany gak,npe xnk jmpe..ak pon jwb la: "ko tu ensem sgt,segan la nk jmpe...."hahahhaha..bengong plak jwpn ak tu...hahaaha
tp,siyes dow,mmg nk gak la jmpe dia..tp,segan woo..huhu...klo korg tgk muka dia..konfom meleleh2..muahahha..gurau je wei..haha..

hmm..cume ak terpikir,npe tbe2 dia call ak time tu..mcm ad s/ting yg dia nk ckp..hmm..dia tgh stress ke,ad probs ke..ak pon xtau..adeh..serba slh ak kt dia..he heard my story tp,ak plak wat maen2 jer time tu..huhu..adeh...feel bad plak..bkn ap wei,time tu tgh kje sbnrny n x expect dia akn call ak time tu..ap la agkny yer..buang tebiat ke ap ke..muahaha...

hmm..klo korg bce blog ak ni dr awal,korg msti ingt ak ni 'nakal' sgt..hahha..klo g mne2 je msti nk usha2 mamat ensem..tp sbnrny,segan dow..xberani nk tgur org2 tepi jln..nk senyum2 mmg x la..haha...yela,ak ni xensem wei..tmbah2 ad penyakit plak..hmm..sbb tu la kot ak tkot tnk jmpe dia..dan dia pon tau ak sakit...klo sblm ak sakit dia ajk jmpe,mgkin ak akn trus stuju nk jmpe dia..hahaa..tp,skrg dh laen...ak tkot klo lps ktorg jmpe,dia pon akn 'hilang' mcm most people did to me..hmm..klo dlu,mgkin ak akn sng nk move on...tp,klo kli ni,ssh la nk move on..coz,ak mmg dh xbpe cr kwn2 plu dh skrg...in fact,ak ngaku trus yg ak ad hiv ble dorg add fb or chat dgn ak..hmm..coz,ak xnk bg pape hrpn pd dorg..dan ak xnk la m'hrp pape dr dorg..especially si dia tu..kang ak jtuh cinta btul2 kt dia kang,ssh nti..haha..haih..ssh nk bg org fhm citer ni..haha..pndai2 la korg fhm yer..muahaha

now,ak mcm nyesal lak sbb bg alasan cmtu kt dia...hmm..psni,klo dia ajk jmpe lg, insyaAllah ak akn kumpul kekuatan utk jmpe dia...dan sejujurny ak ckp: I am not perfect as he is on my eyes....hmm...

up till today, i m thanking him a lot sbb s/times dia bg ak tersenyum ble dia msj ak..haha..dan mgkin ad hikmah ny ble Allah memperkenalkn aku dgn s/one yg baek cmni di saat2 ak berjuang utk m'hbskn sisa2 idup ak ni...alhamdulillah..

:)

Warkah untuk Mak

Assalamualaikum mak...:)

Sebenarnya along xtau ap yg nk disampaikn kt mak dlm blog ni..haha..mklum la,salu kte borak2 kt umah jer...bersua muka...tp,disbbkn ad sebhgian perkara yg mgkin xmmpu along smpaikn dgn kata2..so,along ingt nk smpaikn melalui penulisan jer...haha..hmm..

dah lme along nk smpaikn s/thing yg penting dan sgt rahsia dlm idup along ni..mgkin sjk thn lps lg..mse tu mak dgn along bercerita (mse otw g pasar basah) ttg golongan gay dlm masyarakat...dan ahirny mak ckp: "na'uzubillah, mntk la dijauhkn dr keluarga kte..."..hmm..mse tu,mgkin mak xperasan,sebak dada along dgr mak ckp cmtu...terasa mcm along dh kecewakn mak...tp,along wat2 xtau jer..hmm..mgkin skrg ni pon mak xfhm...atau mak dh tau ttg along,tp wat2 xtau..huhu..

yer,along pon golongan gay, mak..naluri along xsame mcm org laen..:( saat along ngaku ni pon,along rse sdeh..tidak la along suka utk bg tau ttg hakikat ni..malah, xpnah pon trlintas rse bangga m'punyai naluri pelik cmni..tp,along pon xmmpu nk sorok lbh lme lg..:(..dan bkn lah along yg pilih m'jd gay utk suka2..ntah mcm mne,sjk kecik lg along dh ad perasaan tu..cume along sorokkn dr mak,abah dan adik2.. :(.haih..berat sgt ati ni nk citer kt mak..tkot sgt mak nanges..tkot abah kecewa dan tkot adik2 ilang respek pd along..hmm..:(

cume along dh pnat nk menanggung beban ni...aptah lg sjk along disahkn ad HIV mse awal April 2014...sjk along demam pjg tuu..yer,skrg along pesakit HIV..hmm...hancur berkecai ati along dpt tau hal ni..tiap2 hr berikutnya amat berat utk along tempuh...rse beban di kepala...ats balasan yg yg Allah bg ni...ntah la..ssh nk ckp..xde sape tau derita along ni mak..

along tau,mak dgn abah nk along jd s/one yg baek..yg sempurna..dan boleh jd pemimpin suatu mse nti..malah,along pon tau yg mak nk along jd ketua keluarga yg bertanggung jwb..aptah lg ble mengenangkn sikap abah yg kdg2 ad barannya..yg kdg2 xendah ttg perasaan mak...yg kdg2 x bape nk peduli ttg kte..hmm...along pon tau,mak nk along jd contoh pd adik2...supaya dorg berjaya dunia ahirat...

sedaya upaya along cuba utk memenuhi hrpn mak,abah...dan along ucapkn terima ksh sbb m'besarkn along dgn baek..alhamdulillah...(sungguh Allah tlh mengurniakan seorg ibu yg sempurna utk aku...)

tp, mgkin along je yg xperasan kebaikan mak pd along...sjk kecik,along terasa mcm along xdihrgai..sume pencapaian along spt perkara biasa yg berlaku sehari-harian...mgkin xde ap yg istimewa ny pd along...sehinggakn xlyk utk m'dpt ciuman mak di pipi along..kdg2 ad jugak rse iri hati pd angah...seolah2 dia dpt perhatian sepenuhny dr mak...mgkin abah pon sgt bangga dgn dia sbb dia pndai bergaul dlm masyarakat dan ad gaya sbg pemimpin masyarakat...ape la yg ad pd along ni..haha...

xkesah la ape2 pon..tu cume perasaan along...dan sbb tu along xpnah ungkit pape..along cuba utk tdak menyusahkn mak mse bljr dlu..w/pun kdg2 kne ikat perut,along xpnah mntk sesen pon dr mak...sbb along tau,bnyk lg perkara yg mak kne setelkn dgn duit mak..xpnah pon along sshkn ati mak dr segi emosi especially time exam..sbb along tau,bnyk lg bnda yg mak kne pikir..ntah2 mak pon xbpe ingt jadual exam along banding dgn jadual exam angah..haha..cume time tu along akn bg tau mak,dgn hrpn mak akn doakn kecemerlangan  utk along..alhamdulillah...along pnah nmpk mak risaukn angah..maybe time angah eksiden dlu..mstila along pon risau..cume time tu,nmpk betapa resahny mak...:) kasih ibu kn xde batas nya..:)..

mse along dmam hr tu pon,mak jugak yg htr along ke hosp...cume ad gak t'detik (ble mak dtg melawat), mak xnk cium along ke?hahha...mcm bdk2 lak rse..biasa la mak,dh lme pon mak xcium pipi along..:) ..

rseny,sume tu dh xpnting lg utk along kot..sbb ble2 mse je Allah leh tarik nyawa along ni..xde mse dh along nk pikir bnda2 tu sume..aslkn along cukup mkn..pkai..ad kemudahan ckit..dan mmpu nk bg mak duet belanja pon dh cukup ok bg along...lgpun,tu jela yg mmpu along bg..along mgkin xmmpu nk bg menantu yg baek utk temankn mak..utk tlg mak..along pon mgkin xmmpu nk bg cucu comel utk mak tatang..haha...xpela..maybe tu bahagian angah la utk bhgiakn mak..dan doa angah la agkny yg leh smpai ke kubur mak,abah.:)

setakat ni: mak,abah,angah,adik2 xde berhutang pon dgn along..xde kesalahan pon yg dilakukan pd along...cume along je yg bersalah pd mak,abah,adik2...sbb along xsempurna..hmm..
maafkn along sbb xmmpu nk beri kebhgiaan pd mak,abah mcm org laen...maafkn along sbb mgkin doa along xmmpu utk smpai ke dlm kubur dgn mak,abah..maafkn along sbb penah iri ati pd angah..maafkn along sbb xmmpu nk jd abg yg baek..xmmpu nk jd contoh teladan yg baek..maafkn along mak..:( ..along xde daya nk tepis takdir ni..xde sape mmpu halang lg....biarlah along m'hbskn sisa2 idup along psni dgn tenang..along sgt berhrp yg mak,abah,adik2 dpt bg sokongan dan doa utk along..along xmntk pape dh..sbb xde ape hrpn yg tgl utk along lg....

Terima Kasih mak,abah....:(
~ dr along yg merindui belaian mak ~

Wassalam

"seandainya mereka dpt mambaca dan memahami warkah ini..huhu..:( "