"being myself is a weakness,looking to myself is a shame,knowing myself is a failure.."

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Saturday, 4 October 2014

it's not easy...

Assalamualaikum..

pekabar sume kli ni?hrp sume sehat dan msh sehat hendakny....sblm mula pape,ak nk wish 'slmt hr raya aidil adha 2014'....(hrp2 sempat la ak post entry ni sblm raya hai nti..haha)..

kli ni, ak nk tany ckit kt korg sume: pnah x dlm kehidupan seharian,korg rse s/thing yg m'ganggu perasaan n performance rutin korg?hmm..i bet msti la ad...to me,tiap org akn ad at least 1 day of dat anxious,nerves and cuak feeling..hahha...

ak plak mmg salu rse cmtu since kecik..salu rse takot.cuak..especially klo nk try bnda bru...and it happened more frequent since p'alaman2 ak kt skolah..kne pukul la..kne kutuk la..kne pulau la..etc..antara punca utama dorg wat cmtu tu coz ak gay..hmm..mklum la,skolah agama sume kn baek2 kononnya..plus ak x secomel adik2 junior yg mnja2 tuh..haha...errr..skrg ni,klo diungkit blk saat ak dipukul secara berjemaah tu,msh terasa cuakny..huhuhu..

after doz insiden,jujur ak ckp ak rse sgt hina being a plu...smpaikn ak cuba utk tglkn sume bnda2 dunia ni..kononny utk mengekang nafsu..memandangkn ak ni bdk skema mse tu,ak cume pendamkn diri dlm klas..xpnah b'tany cikgu dlm klas..coz tkot nti kne kutuk..huhu...time rehat or ad selang mse,ak akn duk ats meja..either tdo,wat kje or bce buku..time ni mmg ak minat sgt bce novel2..

kebetulan,ak msh ad beberapa member yg msh leh terima ak as part of dem la..especially s/one yg ak namekn 'S'..skrg ni dia dh femes la gak di klgn penulis n pelukis komik bdk2 skolah..hehe..'S' ni pon suke bce novel n mengarang..kdg2 ktorg tuka2 novel..but most of d time,ak pnjam dia puny jer..haha..

ok,back to my story: ak try utk ilangkn perasaan plu tu..sume bnda ak tglkn...mkn pon ala kadar jer..tiap2 minggu pose..(kekang nafsu)..dan klo ad mse ak akn g surau skolah n kmas2 surau..blk dorm skdr utk mandi n tdo jer..huhu..at some point,ok la...coz cikgu2 n ustaz2 nmpk ak mcm baek n xde mslh jer..huhu..tp,ble b'dpn dgn kwn2 skolah tu,ak tkot..kt dorm pun,ak xbnyk ckp..ak akn trus tdo...huhu..siyes rse t'seksa...so most of d time,ak akn mengarang utk luahkn perasaan..(for info,ak ad gak wat lirik lagu dgn si 'S' tu..tp lgu ktorg biasa2 jer wei..xsdap..muahaha..)

klo blk umah pon,ak xbnyk ckp...skdr wat hal s'diri..duk kt bilk..tp,ak tau parents ak nk sgt ak b'gaul dgn masyarakat n tnjukkn kebolehan ak org2 kmpung (org2 taman)..tp,ak mmg xleh..huhu..rse looser n useless gler time tu..mmg pena dan kertas jela teman ak menitikkn air mata..hhaha..huhu...but kdg2 klo ak tgh rse looser,ak akn jd pemarah..coz ak mewarisi sikap panas baran ayah ak..huhu..mula la ak akn mrh adik badik..mak ak..ayah ak..huhu..

but now,perasaan2 tu (rse sdeh..cuak..takot..pemarah) ak cuba nk control slow2.... coz bnyk p'alamn yg m'ajr utk ak truskn idup as hamba Allah kt dunia ni...especially sjk ak b'jaya lari dr p'alamn buruk tu n mulakn idup br..

mgkin xcukup kuat or mgkin ak xcukup bgus utk adapt d new life,ak xpndai nk bawa diri..perasaan plu tu makin lme makin ketara..especially ble ak dh mula tau rse lonly yg t'amat sgt..t'ingin nk ad s/one spesel mcm org len..w/pun ak cuba utk deny dat feeling for years,it still inside me..huhu..ntah la...kdg2 tertany2 ap la agakny perasaan ni..huhu

and pstu, ak x pndai jaga diri ak s'diri from harmful things dlm dunia plu..haih..yela..mse tu br knal erti lonly dan desperate nk cr s/one spesel..huhu..rse diri ni looser plak..haha...last2 ap pon ak xdpt..love pon tidak..kwn rapat pon tidak.. 

cumeny; ble ak ingt blk sume memori dlu tu,ak akn rse a bit sebak la...nafas ak akn t'sekat..dan kdg2 bergenang air mata..sambil ak akn t'sandar or t'duduk, coz xlarat nk tanggung huhu..and at some point ak akn t'tany: "why me?ak pon t'ingin nk idup mcm org len..nk sehat mcm org len.."..tp ak xmmpu nk buang dat plu feeling dan mgkin ak xmmpu utk ad impian...huhuhu..hmm..ntah la..tp xleh slhkn sape2...ak jugak yg slh..cume org laen akn kate: "nape bodoh sgt ko ni?xleh pikir btul2 ke?"..hmm..mmg ak tkot sgt klo fmili or kwn2 ak dpt tau hal2 ak n status sakit ak nih..err..skreii..haha

maybe dorg xtau,yg ak dan org mcm ak ni ssh nk jwb doz questions .sbb ktorg s'diri pon xtau jwpnny...dan ktorg pon lum tau ap takdir mase dpn ktorg nti..haha...as i said dlm entry2 dlu,ak salu berdoa,mntk dimatikan dlm husnul khatimah klo kematian ak lbh baek dr ak trus idup..even sblm ak sakit lg..but alhamdulillah ak msh idup dan ak dianugerahkn plak sakit ni..ak xtau mne yg baek ny in dat part of my life...but ak msh b'hrp ad s/ting yg baek later..huhu..

neway,disbbkn ak msh trus idup dgn takdir Nya,sedikit sbnyk ad la jugak terasa ssh utk truskn p'jlnn kt dunia ni..especially dgn status ak as PLU dan status ak as PLHIV..hmm..di klgn fmili n kwn2,ak nmpk mcm org laen..normal..but inside,Tuhan je tau ap yg ak tanggung..hmm:-

bkn mudah utk ak terima hakikat yg ak ni tidak seperti mereka yg b'perasaan normal
bkn mudah utk ak terima hakikat yg ak b'status phiv..huhu..
bkn mudah utk ak menzahirkn kesedihan ak kt org len coz ak xreti nk meinitiskan air mata dpn org..
bkn mudah utk ak b'kongsi kisah idup ak kt org len..especially fmili n kwn2 coz ad bnyk lg bnda pnting dlm dunia ni yg prlu diberi perhatian..hmm
bkn mudah utk ak berpura2 yg ak ni sempurna..baek..sehat kt dpn org len
dan skrg bkn mudah utk ak luahkn perasaan 'cinta' pd s/one yg ak minat coz ak xsempurna..dan ak mgkin xmmpu m'bahagiakn dat s/one nti..hmm

ak bkn hero..dan xmmpu nk jd hero pd sape2 coz ak xsempura..but i wish i cud have d right to bleed..to dream..and to cry.. :(

"I wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
'Bout a home I'll never see
It may sound absurd but don't be naïve
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed but won’t you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
And it's not easy to be me"