...pengajaran...(1)

Assalamualaikum...sblm ak mula mengarut dlm ni, ak nk wish selamat berRamadan thn 2015 ni..hehe...bulan Ramadan ni bsr ertinya...bkn skdr berpuasa..mlh bnyk lg...jd,mgkin kurg tepat ble org ucap: slmt berpuasa..hehhee...tp,lantak la,org laen ad caranya..:p

few weeks sbm plose thn ni,ak smpat singgah ke PD (again...haha) berehat...cuti2 Malaysia la katekn..hahaha... xla lme sgt pon...3 hr 2 mlm jer..:)

spt biasa,klo ak g tmpt2 bru,mula la tgn m'gatal duk log in apps plu yg mcm2 tu..haha..(tp ak cume ad 1 apps je k)...tgh duk sembang2 dlm tu..ad la sorg tu add wechat ak (dlm apps plu tu ad id wechat ak skali)..dan dia tetibe buzz ak n tny: ko poz ke?..erkk.ak trus terdiam..nk jwb jujur or tipu pon serba slh..tp,dlm wechat ak mmg ak reveal yg ak ni poz...mmg sengaja ak wat cmtu,coz xnk misrep org..huhu..pstu dia smbung: xyah tipu,ak pon poz...perh..terkejut akuu..hahaha....

so,kitorg citer la psl situasi msg2...(btw nickname dia adlh jay)....jay ckp dia xpnah jmpe bersemuka dgn plu + plhiv lg sjk dia di diagnosed...sbb tu dia mcm excited..haha....end up mse tu,ktorg berjumpa..dia dtg ke tmpt ak menginap..bwk g minum2 kt luar...1st impression ak mse tu: kurusnya dia ni..huhuhu...mcm x balance ckit la...mcm sakit...

mse lpk2 kt kdai minum, dia citer sume psl diri dia..especially mse dia terasa mcm nk mati mula2 diagnosed dlu..(for info,dia br je disahkan poz awal thn hr tu..hmm)...jay ckp dia kerap sakit awal2 thn hr tu..asyik dmam..mc..dan x dtg kje jer..klo dtg kje pon,mcm xmmpu nk wtpe...pnah gak la dia pitam.pengsan sbb xlarat kt ofis.huhu...

last2 msk hospital beberapa kli..mcm2 sakit dia dh rse..tp dia sehabs mgkin cuba deny dan xnk wat hiv cek..huhu..smpailah ahirnya doc suh dia wat test tu..kateny mse tu cd4 dia cume 10..Allahu Akbar..ckit lg dia nk msk AIDS stage..huhu...

jay pon ckp yg dia pnah rse tension n rse nk bunuh diri...tp,mujur ad sorg nurse yg mmg dia engage sjk kerap msk hospital sblm tu,smpat jmpe n nasehat dia...subhanallah..serius rse ak dgr pon mcm cuak n sian kt dia....pstu dia citer p'alamn dia stat HAART..dan spt yg t'jd kt most of plhiv,dia pon kne gak side efekny...hmm..

bnyk bnda ak bljr dr dia....dgn kondisi dia yg dpt mcm2 penyakit smpingn n side efek ubat tu,dia rilex n cool aje ble cite...ssh nk tgk dr muka dia s/ada dia sdeh..tp ak taw,jaoh di lubuk ati msti dia merana tuu..hmm

oh yer,dia pon ad share ttg p'alamn dia dgn ex2 bf dia dlu..(hot setaf la katekn,bnyk sgt ex..haha)...menarik la dgr citer dia tu.....tp,ahirny dia amik kptsn ilagkn diri or elak diri dr jmpe ex dia...no hp pon dituka...mgkin dia xnk ex dia ssh nti kot..hmm..dan ex dia yg latest tau dia sakit...bg ak,dia still bertuah sbb mse dia sakit,ad jugak s/one yg caring..ad tmpt nk ngaduuu..hmm...pape pon,hrp dia lbh bertuah dan berjaya harungi semua dugaan..amin...

Cinta..bukan hanya harapan

Salam sume...

hrp sehat di samping insan t'syg..hehe...kli ni pon ak xsmpat nk smbung citer yg t'gntung hr tu..adeh...sbnrny mcm dh ilang idea nk smbung citer tu..kikiki
 
kli ni,ak nk citer s/thing yg mgkin bg kbnykn org xptut utk diceritakn...jd,sblm korg sume truskn m'bce,ak bg amaran yg kesah kli ni mgkin akn buat org geli gelaman (especially bg org bkn plu atau plu yg rse2 nk b'ubah..btw,blh ke buang d whole plu feeling tu?..kikiki).. atau ad unsur2 lucah yg rgn..haha..so,jgn slhkn ak klo korg muntah or buat korg rse nyampah dgn ak..huhu...

sbnrny,ak nk citer ttg kisah2 'cinta' ak dlm dunia plu..haha..ekceli bkn kesah cnta btul2 pon coz ak kn xpnah b'cinta..but yg ak nk citer ni adlh d only 'love experience' yg ak pnah alami..

scr jujurnya ak bg tau yg ak suke s/one yg matured...str8...kasar..haha...sbb ak ni pon jnis kasar klo kt luar...cume dgn abg2 jer ak mnja ckit..kikiki....xbpe kesah sgt hal rupa or body..tp suke gak usha2 yg elok2..muahahaa...guys,b'pijak di bumi nyata,mne la ad org yg elok2 ni nk kt ak ni haa...huhu...sbb ak x comel mcm 'adk2' yg laen...x mnja mcm dorg tuu..muahahaha...

tp sbnrny,ak cume nk teman....xkesah la..w/pun skdr nk share s/ting lpk mkn2....yg pnting time ak sdeh/ssh,ak blh citer kt dat teman..or vice versa,dia pon leh citer pape kt ak one to one...yg pnting,dia tu matured la dr ak ni...haha...

back to reality,ak ni salu rse yg kwn2 plu yg ak knal cume utk short period ajer....especially klo knal abg2..huhu...stkt jmpe skali dua....pstu trus snyap dah...tu pon mujur jumpa..ad jugak yg ak xpnah jmpe w/pun dh 3-4 thn knal n chat...ad yg mcm2 pnah ktorg share,tp xpnah lak bertemu mata dgn mata..

kdg2 ak terasa yg ak ni salu jd secondary...skdr jd tmpt org luahkn kebosanan..ke'horny'an or ntah la...ad gak yg tany hal seharian ak..hal idup ak..dan mmg ak rse best ble org tny s/ada ak ok ke x..especially klo org tu mmg taste ak..kikiki...rse ad org caring...rse mcm ad org hargai...tp end up ak akn tersedar yg dat nice n my taste person tu bkn ak puny pon..hahahaa...plg looser adlh terasa skdr b'kwn di alam maya..bg ak,tu bkn erti kwn yg sbnr..huhu..maaf ckp, tp itulah ap yg ak rse...klo btul ak ni sbg kwn...sekurg2ny xslh klo ajk berjumpa kn?huhu...

t'ingt lak perangai ak ni yg salu mcm desperate nk cr kwn...or maybe more than kwn..sanggup drive/ride jaoh2..semata nk jmpe dgn mmber alam maya yg ajk jmpe...tp pstu trus snyap..haha..biasa la..abg2 mmg cmtu perangai..:( ..

kdg2 lak ak terasa mcm diberi hrpn...tp hrpn tu utk sementara jer....pnah ak kuar dgn sorg abg time ak student..dkt 3 bln jmpe n knal...ble dia ssh,dia akn ajk ak lpk n share citer dia..dia s'diri akui yg ak ni mudah nk bwk borak n mudah nk suh dgr citer dia....cume ak t'kilan sbb tiap kli dia ajk jmpe,skali pon dia xpnah nk amik ak...ak yg akn g umah dia..amik dia bwk g kdai2 berhampiran..mula2 ny ak xkesah..tp one day dia citer yg dia knal sorg money boi...ajk blk n fun kt umah dia...pstu time weekend dia ajk cuti skali kt otel kt sebuah pusat peranginan...huhu..mse tu mmg ak terasa gler...ak yg ad dpn mata dia few months,ckit pon dia xpnah amik ak n ajk jln2..aptah lg g bercuti jaoh cmtu..huhu..sjk tu mmg ak bnci money boi...huhu...

bg ak,sume yg baek2 yg ensem2 sume dh berpuny..atau pon dh berubah nk jd baek (kononnya)...dei, dgn ak korg ckp nk b'ubah..xmo rapat or chat dgn plu dh...pstu few months,korg blh lak ngadu "sy/abg dh t'lanjur"...cet...puas ak ckp,perasaan plu  xblh ilang 100%..tp cume leh dikawal..dan dlm mse nk b'ubah tu, jgn nk poyo sgt la b'lagak alim smpai langsung xnk chat dgn ak..xnk jmpe ak.....kte manusia je..bkn malaikat..bkn nabi..huhu..

*sume citer kt ats tu ak pnah citer dlm entry2 yg lme dlu.....

above all,ak mmg akn rse looser..useless..coz terasa yg diri ni x perfect..selama mne ak knal dgn s/one..siap berjumpa few times,xpnah pon ak dianggap spesel...(spesel fren or spesel s/one)..atau selama mne pon ak knal seseorang di alam maya,xpnah pon golongan baek ni sudi nk jumpe ak..or at least b'usaha nk jmpe ak...sng kate ak terasa yg xpnah ad org pdg ak perfect as I am...
rmai yg ngaku ak ni blh jd gud fren..gud listener..tp,p'hrgaan bkn hny melalui p'ckpn..'cinta' bkn hny harapan....tp kepastian...hmm..ni jela 'love experience' yg ak pnah rse...:(

hmm...lps ni mgkin akn ad yg komen: cinta Tuhan bkn hanya harapan..tp mmg kepastian..btul,ak setuju..dan mmg Dia je yg ad utk ak...Dia je yg pnah nmpk ak nanges...ak epi...saat2 ak buat jht..ckit pon Dia xtglkn ak....selamanya ini jelah 'cinta' ak agkny..coz ak  xmmpu nk jd manusia biasa yg mmpu utk m'cintai dan dicintai..

Disaat luka kau tak ada
Disaat duka kau tak setia
Cinta seharusnya tak begitu

Cinta bukan hanya harapan
Cinta tapi kepastian
Cinta bukan menyakiti hati

aku tak nak jadi bebanan

Assalamualaikum duniaaa..:p

ap kabar?hrp sume sehat..ak mcm biasa..alhamdulillah...ingtny kli ni nk smbung entry yg lps..

tp memandangkn semalam (10 Mei 2015- Ahad) adlh hr hr ibu 2015,jd ak nk post entry yg ad kaitan dgn hr ibu...hehe...

spjg minggu ak dgr bnyk iklan psl hr ibu..especially kt radio hot fm n era fm..mmg best2 iklanny..dan mostly terkena kt ak..haha...

as usual, ble time weekend jer ade la undangan kawen yg kne ak attend..mklum la,slh 1 hak muslim ats muslim yg laen adlh memenuhi jmputan..hehe..so,ak kne la g...in fact, ak kn ad b'azam utk dtg sume undangan kawen n pstu ak nk ilangkn diri...sorf of la...haha...tp ntah la ak mmpu ke x nk wat cmtu..hmm......lgpon,i might no longer be part of dem dh psni..dorg ad fmili..ad ank comel2....ak plak cmni jela..alhamdulillah...hehe

so..spjg p'jlnn nek keta g tmpt knduri tuu,ak t'dgr mcm2 ucapan n dedikasi utk hr ibu dihebahkn kt radio...ad lawak..ad sweet..haha....smbil2 dgr ucapan tu ak t'pikir yg ak pon syg mak ak gak...cume ktorg ni mmg xde la nk zahirkn perasaan tu trg2....rse geli gelaman gak..hahaha....xreti nk mnja2 smbil mak usap kepala ker...mmg xreti..huhu...

but then,rse sdeh n serba slh lak kt mak ak coz ak mgkin xmmpu nk jd anak plg baek dlm fmili..yela,ak kn plu....plhiv lak tu.....mne la ad org nk sanggup nk bela or dkt dgn plhiv ni..haha...aptah lg la nk kawen..nk ad anak,hmm...ssh ckit la....so,in dat sense,i m d loosest child among my siblings kot..huhu...

xpelah....kn dah takdir......cume skrg,ak sedaya upaya tlg fmili ak utk setel sume mslh bsr yg ktorg hadapi....agkny ini lah sje fmili yg ak ad selama2ny....jd p'gnti ketua dlm fmili ak ni pon dh cukup utk ak rasai mcm jd ketua pd fmili s'diri..hahahaa...(ak tgh merapu..)...

dan saat tu pun ak t'pikir,ap la agkny reaksi ny nti klo mak ak dpt tau yg ak ni sakit...msti kecewa gle..silap2 nk sentuh ak pon fmili tkot..haha...

pape pon, ak xnak jd bebanan...ak xnk sshkn sape2...ak xnk sshkn fmili..ak xnk sshkn mak ak....sbb tu,ak msh lg trus berpura2 epi dpn fmili...mcm xde ap mslh pon....berpura2 ak normal dpn kwn2 ak...dan berpura2 yg ak mmpu setel hal ak s'diri....w/pun hakikatny ak rse saaaangat lemah dan tak berdaya..huhuhu....biar la ap jd kt ak nti,ak hrp Allah bntu ak utk handle s'diri..amin..:)

pd kwn fb/wechat/watsapps,dun worry, ak xkn inbox korg dgn citer2 seharian ak yg m'bosankn dh psni....dan ak akn cuba sedaya upaya utk tidak b'cerita psl hal negatif ak nii....(klo mmpu la...haha)..lgpon,korg bkn suke nk tau pon psl doz things..haha..oh ye,but diz blog n my walls will always be my place to share my feelings...hehe....ni jela kwn time ssh yg ak ad...:) hehe 

"selamat hari ibu mak....along sayang mak...maafkan along sbb kecewakn mak... :( "

"Duhai bonda
Hari-hariku kini berlalu
Bagaikan bahtera
Tanpa layar dan kemudi

Bonda
Akhirnya terbongkar jua rahsia
Tangisan dan gurindam
Keramat kasih sayangmu"

who do I belong to... (1)

Assalamualaikum,

Selamat berehat pd cuti pjg minggu nii..
sementara tgh free ni,t'ingin la nk updet ckit2...coz nti ilang sume idea...haha..

as usual,ble cuti weekend pjg cmni bnyk la dpt jmputn knduri kawen or knduri2 laen..ad jugak member2 yg ajk lpk mkn..minum..coz lme xjmpe..mklum la,sume kje....
*nota kaki: member2 yg ajk lpk ni bkn plu k..hehhehe..

ok...kli ni ak cume nk citer psl feeling ak ble lpk dgn member2 str8 yg ak knal sjk zmn skolah..uni..kje...dsbgny..hmm..
dan pd ahir kesah yg agak pjg ni,ak cume nk huraikan adkah ak ni 'part of dem' and 'belong to dem'...

1) Lepak dgn kwn uni (ex class mate)

bln lps, ad sorg member ajk g house warming dia..sempena dia msk umah br..dia dh kawen 2 thn lps klo xslh dan ak attended knduri dia dlu....

umah br dia mmg bsr la..banglo setingkat..buat kt ats tanah fmili..biasa la,fmili berada ckit..hehe..
dia pon jmput member2 uni yg laen utk meriahkn lg mjslis jamuan dia tu..xde tahlil ap pon..skdr mkn2..borak2..lpk2..

so,sorg2 kwn uni dtg b'kumpul..lme ak xjmpe dorg ni..rmai yg dh kawen..dan most of wedding dorg ak dtg...dan ad jugak member2 yg ak xbpe ngam..xbpe rapat dtg mlm tuu..

most of dem pon dh ad anak..comel2 anak dorg..haha..kdg ak mcm xcaye dorg dh ad anak..siap pgl abah..ayah..baba..etc..rse mcm br smlm knal dorg sume ni..hmm..

ad jugak yg lum kawen..tp xrmai la..mlm tu ad 3- 4 org x kawen lg...sume kne soal "ble korg puny turn plak?"..ak skdr jwb: no komen aje la..haha

spjg duduk kt mjlis tu,dorg citer mcm2..especially psl kje..btw,to note,dorg kje dlm bidang profession yg same....ak  plak agak menyimpang dr course yg ak amik kt uni dlu..(mklum la,xmmpu nk jd hebat mcm dorg..hehe)...so,klo time tu doorg citer psl kje dorg,ak mmg mati kutu..xde bnda nk share...hmm..

dan klo ad member2 yg ak xbpe ngam tu b'cerita,ak xtau nk react cmne..coz rse awkward..tp secara fake nya ak akn lyn la sengih2..gelak2..haha...

oh ye,1 more factor yg ak rse a bit janggal dgn dorg ni adlh sbb dorg ni umo sume lg tua dr ak..mse kt uni dlu ak fast track ckit dr batch2 yg sebaya ak..(cewah,b'lagak pndai ckit..kikiki)..so,dorg ni mmg dh b'kwn dan b'ssh sng sjk awal2 msk uni dlu..ak cume numpang aje coz dh dpt sekelas dgn dorg..hmm...

ade la jugak kdg dorg bkk citer2 lme dorg,ak xbpe fhm..sbb i was not part of dat stories..hmm...jujur ak ckp,ble ak duk dgn dorg,ak rse mati kutu...ntah la..mgkin sbb ad few member yg ak xbpe ngam kot..

tp alhamdulillah,dorg ttp ajak ak klo ad knduri2..mkn2..cume skdr tetamu la....xsume event dorg ajk pon..klo wedding tu sure la..

ad jugak ak nmpk dorg tlg knduri kendara sesama dorg...jd pengapit ke...tumpang rumah for pengantin ke..etc...tp,ak xpnah jd part of dat team la...

agkny ak yg sombong sgt kot.ntah la...dan ak xkn citer psl hal kje ak..updet psl ak etc...sbb ak rse,dorg xfhm pon..haha..plus,ak pun bknny ad citer best2 nk share...awek xdak..bini xdak..anak pon xdak..kje alhamdulillah,biasa2 aje....dorg sume lbh hbt dr ak...

1 thing yg ak xbpe suke adlh,br2 ni ak beli big bike..xde la branded sgt..cc kecik aje..local made lak tuu...dorg kondem ak sbb xbli lg mahal n branded..haha....bnyk je dorg duk kondem ak selama ni..cume dorg b'seloroh la..tp cukup utk wat ak t'pikir: "btul ke ap yg ak wat..."

pape pon,mse otw blk umah,ak skdr melepas nafas yg pjg smbil ckp: alhamdulillah...ak rse puas ble dpt dtg memenuhi hajat member2...klo ad duit lbh,ak hulur la ckit..xkesah la event ap pon...
(sambil melepas nafas ak rse sebak...sbb: 'ak x mmpu nk jd mcm dorg..epi w/pun idup dorg mgkin bnyk dugaan..tp dorg ad teman di sisi..i.e.wife or kwn2 rapat..'


...bersambung...

...negative influence...

salam hi sume..hrp sehat salu...dan bahgaia dlm rahmat Tuhan..amin...

ak mntk maaf klo ak ni salu jd pengaruh buruk dlm idup korg...mksud pengruh buruk tu adlh perkara2 negatif la...eg: salu negative thinker...salu citer bnda2 negative kt blog ni..salu gune harsh words and negative words time chat or bls komen..lagu dlm blog pon sdeh2 n negative ajer..haha...

bkn ape,sbnrny ak pon xtau cmne d negative side tu very influencing dlm diri ak..haha...tp ak pnah citer dlu few thinks yg m'jadikn aku hr ni...antaranya dlu salu rndah diri..low self esteem coz rse ak ni xkaya..xensem..xpndai..but alhamdulillah la still ad duit...dan blh la bljr smpai hbs u..kikiki..cume bab ensem tu xkn t'capai kot..hahaa..

oh ye,lately ni ad few things happen kt fmili ak..biasa la,fmili ak mgkin x mcm korg yg salu epi..hahaa..yg ad great fmili leader utk dijadikn teladan ble kte dh ad fmili nti..(klo ad la in future)..hahha...dipendekkn citer,starting march 2015, ak kne pikul t/jwb bsr utk tlg my own fmili...dan mcm2 ikhtiar ak kne pikirkn so dat ktorg sume akn back to rite track...(mne satu ntah yg rite track nye..haha)..hmm...mkn pkai adik2...other things related will be under my responsibility..mgkin ni la hikmahny ak x mmpu nk kawen lg skrg..kikiki....

oleh sbb pkr2 cmni gak,ak rse xde perasaan ble org tny: "how are u?"..ak xde mud nk jwb sbb ak xrse ak blh jwb soklan cmtu..haha..then ak akn either senyap or bls with smiley.. ngee :p..or say 'alhamdulillah'....to me,klo ak ckp 'ok'..mcm x reflect my true condition aje...dan klo ak jwb 'tak ok'...nti org kate ak x b'syukur pulak..ntah la..ssh bg ak nk jwb soklan tu skrg..haha..

lgpun,klo ak jwb tak ok..i will tend to tell all d bad stories and how i feel lately..if u see me dpn mata,i wont show d negative side...i wont express my true conditions (in terms of personal matters)..sbb tu ak kdg suke luahkn true blog..fb..wechat...dan maybe to my plu frens dlm tenet ni haa..haha..

tp ak fhm,if i keep tell d bad things,nti org akn bosan nk chat dgn ak..so,ak try utk kurgkn share doz things in private chatting..hehe...cumenyer kdg to hide my true conditions/feelings ak akn gune harsh words or harsh jokes..guna utk perli2 org len..hhaha....so,end up akn ad yg akn rse yg ak ni sombong...dan ad yg akn terasa ati..haih..mcm2..haha..

plus,klo ak citer pon doz stories,xde sape blh tlg pon...it will back to me myself to settle my things...ak sakit ke..ak sehat ke..ak sdeh ke..ak epi ke....sume tu ak puny perasaan yg ak kne tanggung..haha....noting wud change d fact dat i m a lonly plhiv...noting wud change d fact dat i hve to bear d big responsibilities...yg ak s'diri pon mmpu nk terima hakikat2 tu..haha..

conclusion: Maafkanlah aku if i ever had d negative influence to you guys...i do appreciate your visit to my blog....but trust me,noting spesel here... :)

p/s:hr tu ak amik cuti g tgk cd4 (white blood cell count)..and i just realise yg d same week (end of March) is my 1 year anniversary of being diagnosed with HIV..hmm...s/ting which shouldn't be remembered but i can't just simply throw d memory dow...hahhhaa..so, epi anniversary to me!!!...yeayyyy,,nk hadiah..hahhaahhaa :p

Telah ku buat
Dirimu menangis
Jahat ku jahat
Menyakiti hatimu

Maafkan aku cinta
Maafkanlah salahku
Sungguh aku menyesali
Telah buatmu terluka

Maafkan aku cinta
Jangan kau tinggalkan aku
Ku mohon padamu
Maafkanlah aku

Reveal

Assalamualaikum..
pekabar sume?lme gak rsenya ak x post pape entry..
few weeks lps ak sakit mata..pning2..so xleh ngadap lptop sgt..haha...
sblm updet blog ni,ak sempat bce few blogs laen yg ak follow..bnyk nyer ak dh miss..haha..
ad gak yg citer psl plu love.haha....yg dah lme m'duda/m'janda..yg br nk cr psgn..sume ade citer..kikiki..

ok..entry kli ni ak dpt ilham dr mak ak...ble 1 day recently dia ckp: kte x kaya pon xpelah...asalkn sume org sehat...hmm..

mse tu a bit t'sentak la ble dia ckp cmtu..nak jer ak ckp.."along x sesehat org laen..ad virus dlm diri ni!!!!"..arghhh......sebak dada time tu wei..huhu....

sbnrny,ak xtau cmne nk bg tau mak n fmili ak psl ak ni..huhu...dan adkh perlu ak reveal kn?ntah la..skrg ni,ak tgh kumpul kekuatan dan prepare in case dorg dpt tau tetibe..hmm..who knows,dorg akn terima ak or x...arhhhhhh...

1) Reveal to famili

dlu mse mula2 kne..mse tgh duk meroyan2...ad la gak t'pikir nk reveal...but ak xsanggup nk hancurkn ati sume org...so,ak xbg tau..dan bit by bit ak cuba la gak utk terima hakikat ni dlu...

then,ak join support grup coz ak nk mula idup bru kononny...plus tmbahkn ilmu ttg hiv ni..alhamdulillah,bnyk gak ilmu ak dpt...lgpun,mne la ad org nk fhm plhiv klo tdak plhiv jugak kn...i bet,korg sume pon xkn fhm..haha...

so,among doz members in d grup, ad yg kate,better jgn reveal kt fmili klo lum ready...coz nti klo ad pape jd,tkot ak xmmpu nk handle..ad gak di klgn dorg yg dh reveal..tp end up dorg rse mcm xperlu pon bg tau...dan setiap kli klo dat member kuar mlm2 ke,fmili dia akn sound dia..reaction fmili dia lbh kurg: "haa,ingt tu bala dh kne pon xsdar2 lg...blk mlm2..etc.."...pd hal mamat tu kuar minum2 ajer..haha..ntah la..no komen...

hmm...smpai skrg,ak xreveal pon...just b'ati2 klo sakit.cpt g jmpe doc..amik ubat bgai...pd hal dmam biasa je pon..haha...

oh yer,bru2 ni ak sign up dgn amik takaful coverage...ad 2 jenis ak amik: medical n investment link...penama/beneficiary, ak ltk under nme mak ak..sume tu bkn ny utk ak sgt..tp utk preparation klo pape nti,at least ak ad s/ting utk diberi..mklum la,ktorg pon bknny berada sgt..haha..

plus,bnyk gak kebaikan takaful ni..try la sign up mne2...tp pastikn takaful k...insyaAllah halal,xde riba..:) ..cewah,pomot takaful pulak...haha

2) Reveal to some persons

ok,yg ni pulak adlh misi ak utk cr few plu members yg dh lme x contact ak or few of my skul frens (yg blh dipercayai) dan reveal kn status ak..tujuanny adlh utk ak jujur pd diri s'diri n jujur pd dorg...klo pape jd pon,at least ad la jugak kwn2 yg blh tlg time tu...eg. infomkn fmili ak ke...etc..ntah la..huhu..

so,ak belek2 la no hp dorg ni..tetibe ak t'nmpk satu no...nme dia nick (bkn nme sbnr)..i remembered pnah few times kuar mkn dgn dia..dan last meeting was in Feb 2014..mse tu 1 month b4 ak di diagnosed with hiv..

pnah la jugak ak t'pikir nk knal2 dia n mgkin truskn hbgn as prtner ke...but it was dlu la sblm ak di diagnosed..huhu..

so,ak pon try text dia..say hi n tny kabar....few days later dia bls...but dia mmg x save no ak pon..(as usual la..sape yg nk save no ak ni ha..hahaha..)..so,ak introduce blk diri ak..then dia pon ingt...he was shocked coz ak tetibe msj dia..

dia tny gak..npe ak tak msj lme sgt....he waited for me to text him..dia ckp cmtu la..kdg auta je abg2 ni...ssh nk fhm..huhu...then ak cume ckp yg ak snyap for 1 yr plus tu utk fokus pd kerja n stay away frm plu life..haha..bulshit gler alasan.. pd hal sbnry,time tu ak tgh duk meroyan2 n nk mulakn s/ting new kononnya...huhu..dan mse tu ak xnk kontek sume kwn2 plu ak yg pnah ak knal coz ak xmo misrep kt dorg...haih..as if mcm nk ilangkn diri la..huhu..

ak pon trus tny dia blh ke nk ajk lpk2 lg klo free?..then dia ok jer...whenever dia free..hmm...btw,dia pon s/one yg bz sgt...(sume plu yg ak knal mmg sume nyer super duper bz...mcm ak xbz,tp xpnah bg alasan cmtu..huh..)...

tetibe dia ckp,u nk date dgn i ke??mak aih soklan cepumas tul...haha....sbnrny, as i said ak nk jmpe dia coz nk lpk2..tny kabar n share bout my status...dan klo dia dh xnk n tkot nk kwn dgn ak,so ak bla la...delete trus no dia ker..kikiki..tetiba dia tny cmtu..haha..

ak pon bls yg ak mmg pnah ad dat feeling..but tgk la nti cmne..dlm ati rse srba slh pon ade..huhu..wat if klo dia xnk kwn pon dgn ak klo dia dpt tau my status?huhu..

dijadikn citer,ktorg pon plan nk jmpe..1st,ak ajk dinner..tp disbbkn mse dia yg sgt bz..dia tuka hr n mse...but,ak kne pick up dia kt lrt stesen coz dia br blk dr o/station...dia infom la kul bpe dia landed kt klia...

tp,a night b4,ak msj lg tny jd x nk jmpe..dia x reply...nmpk watsapps online..but no reply....ak stick to d plan dan tgu dia early...tp xmuncul2 jugak dia..ak try call..msj.."mgkin dlm flight kot.." ak pikir..

dkt 2 jam ak tgu br la dia bls : "i dun think i can make it today. my sis n family will be at my mum..really sorry.."

wow...hebat sungguh....xsian kt ak langsung ke?huhu...klo btul pon dia nk cancel,bg tau la awal2 on d nite b4..huhu...haih..guys,dia ni bknny bdk2 dan bknny br nk jmpe 1st time..ktorg dh knal lme..few times dh kuar lpk2..tp xsangka lak blh jugak ak t'kne lg..huhuhu...

sdeh ak rse...ap truk sgt ke ak ni?hina sgt ke ak ni?ap xde value langsung ke ak ni?huhuhu....sedaya upaya ak appreciate org...sopan dgn org...(especially abg2..kikiki)..tp,cmni lah yg salu jd..ak muak..pnat...agkny klo dia tau status ak,konfom la trus x kontek dh kn?..mmg ak xkn dpt pape pon dlm dunia plu kot..ntah la.....arghhh...

korg sume (especially abg2) jgn la wat org len cmtu...klo xnk,xsuke,ckp awal2....dan hrgai org len mcm mne kte nk org len hrgai kte..huhuhu....idup ni mcm roda...ble2 mse kte pon akn berada di bwh...

"Tak guna lagi aku berduka
Cinta yang mati takkan hidup semula
Tak guna lagi aku merintih
Jadikan titisan ini linangan terakhir

Yang paling terakhir
Jadikan titisan ini linangan terakhir"

thoughts and feelings toward myself

Salam semua..apa kabar?hrp sehat di samping insan2 tercinta..:)

kli ni str8 to d point, ak nk citer ckit few true things yg ad dlm idup ak...mgkin ak pnah citer dlu..but indirectly jer..memandangkn ad jugak yg xfhm2 ap yg ak nk smpaikn,meh ak citer directly..

ini pon ad kaitan dgn si A yg ak citer dlm entry lps2..hmm...secara jujurnya,ad few things yg b'laku spjg idup ak yg menyebabkn ak jd seolah2 negative thinker..but d negative thinking is mostly towards myself la...hmm..
 
1) Low self esteem

hmm..dr kecik ak ad diz kind of feeling...feeling ni merujuk pd rse rndah diri..especially ble melibatkn aktiviti dgn org rmai..cth mudah,ak akn berasa rndah diri klo lepak dgn sepupu2 ak time kecik or rndah diri klo ak kne join kem motivasi mse skolah rndah..etc...ntah la ap puncanya..tp tiap mse rse diri ni rse xsempurna..for info dlu mse kecik ak gemuuuk..hahaha...plus,bnyk bnda ak xmmpu miliki...mklum la,fmili ak biasa2 jer..xkaya mne pon..klo ak t'ingin mainan,ak akn diamkn jer..klo ak t'ingin nk follow sesuatu hobi,ak xkn bg tau parents pon..or klo ak t'ingin mkn kepsi n mcd ke,mmg ak xkn ckp...haha..

end up,ak hany pujuk ati...xpela...xbest pon mainan tu...xsdap pon kepsi n mcd tu..muahahha..ap puny cetek pikiran la time tuu...

dan jujur ak ckp,sjk kecik ak dh mula fhm ap yg fmili ak lalui utk idup...dgn erti kata laen,ak diajar utk berfikiran matang dan m'buat pilihan m'ikut keutamaan..haha..to me,sedikit sbnyk zmn kanak2 ak ilang la jugak..hmm..

cume mlgnya,ble ak m'bsr,ak akn ad perasaan rndah diri tuu..feeling xlayak utk berdiri sama tngi n duduk sama rndah..plus,ak xensem...xde bakat dlm sukan..xde bakat dlm seni...so,xrmai la kwn agakny..haahha..

mse kt uni,ak pnah b'tny sorg pempuan s/ada dia dh b'punya ke belum...tp dia trus jer ckp: klo nk dia,jmpe fmili dia trus....

mak aih..cuak ak ...dh la time tu makin menebal deria plu ak..dia plak trus terburu2 cmtu..huhuu...tp,disbbkn rse rendah diri tu,ak tolak cara baek....skrg dh b'anak pinak dh..comel lak tu anak laki dia..hehe..hmm

dan perasaan rendah diri ni berkali2 m'hntui diri ak especially klo ak 'ter' kenal dgn plu2 ensem yg ad gud n smooth life..hm..yelah,ak ni xde gud life pon..xreti la nk g jln bercuti mne...xreti la nk lepak mamak mlm2...atau xreti la nk beli brg2 mahal,mkn mahal2...ak jd malu...coz ak xde doz experiences

2) Useless

secondly,ak ad ad jugak terasa yg diri ak ni useless.especially time2 skrg ni,time yg spatutny ak dh kawen ..ad anak..

parents ak pon dh bg hint..mkcik2..jiran2 ak lg la..siap ad yg tlg carikn....tp,disbbkn ak rse rndah diri,ak tkut utk m'adakan pape hbgn dgn pmpuan...sbb pertama adlh krn ak plu tegar..mmpu ke ak nk 'epi' kn dia nti..huhu..sbb kedua adlh krn ak poz...hmm..u kno la d rest bout plhiv..hmm...dan p'alamn idup ak tgk parents ak m'bsrkn ak turut m'jd punca kerisauan ak..

disbbkn tu,ak rse ak useless xmmpu nk epi kn parents ak..especially mak ak....dr segi kewangan pon skdr tlg yg mmpu jer..xmmpu jugak nk setelkn semua utang yg mak ak tnggung gara2 bpk aku...huhuhuhuhhu....

ntah la...kdg2 ble tgk adk2 ak yg msh skolaj,ak rse kesian kt dorg..and i see me on dem....cume,ak ckp kt dorg,klo nk pape yg b'kaitan dgn duet,bg tau ak jer..pndai la ak setel kn..insyaAllah....

so,useless krn dua perkara...xmmpu nk cr isteri yg solehah utk jge parents ak nti..dan xla mmpu sgt nk bg kekayaan kt dorg..huhuhu..

3) Imperfect

yes, diz feeling n tots mmg sgt tebal dlm diri ak...berkait rapat dgn rse rendah diri n useless, ak ahirny rse diri ak saaangat xsempurna...dr segi rupa,hrta, mmg out la...dan disbbkn rse imperfect ni jugak,ak rse xlayak utk jd kwn sape2...xlyk utk rse dicintai...(ptt la xpnah ad bf..kikiki)...especially ble kte knal s/one kt alam maya for a long period,but he nvr ask for meeting or hang out pon...ak akn terasa "owh,he has better life..better ppl as his fmili n fren,so who i am to him"....finally ak akn conclude..."nvr mind,i m just his virtual fren"...

itu lah mksud ak...ak skdr sdapkn ati utk elakkn rse down n sdeh bg m'jwb p'yanyaan "kenapa dia xnk jmpe ak?".."kenapa dia x msj ak?".."kenapa dia ckp cmtu kt ak?"...or any other 'kenapa'...

hmm...above all,ak jugak yg akn dip'slhkn..coz having diiiz feeling..ak fhm,kte kne b'syukur..alhamdulillah,ak msh idup lg....

"w/pun ak berasa rendah diri,useless and imperfect, at least ad s/ting yg ak pnah achieve..dan w/pun achievement ak x seberapa, at least s/ting than noting kn?hmm.."

"w/pun ak xde a very nice perfect fmili..at least ak ad dorg...dan itulah tujuan ak dihidupkn..utk m'jd penyeri khdpn dorg...w/pun ak xmmpu nk menyerikn idup ak s'diri...."

"w/pun ak xde kwn plu yg rapat di alam realiti,at least ak ad kwn alam maya yg sudi nk dgr ak meroyan..cume t'pulg lah korg nk define ap mksud 'virtual fren' tu"

i just wish for s/ting real..coz ak dh pnat nk m'hrp pd yg samar2 dan palsu itu.....hati ak ni dh bnyk kli remuk..who knows?who cares?

dan tiap kli ak berpeluk tubuh or mengerekot ats lntai/katil sorg2,no one knows..coz it is too bad n ugly thing to be shared...klo share pon,u guys akn react as if u guys fhm...but d truth is,dunia kte berbeza....u guys akn continue m'jalani idup spt biasa...

*slmt mlm syg.. :'(
 sdeh dgr lgu nii