nightmare experience

salam sume..

pekabar korg?..alhamdulillah ak sehat..cume bape2 hr ni sjk ming lps,ak sakit tekek,batuk n selesema..haha..alhamdulillah xdemam..heee..

besa la,klo batuk2 cmtu kn ssh nk tdo..so,ak pun ssh la nk tdo mlm sgt..klo tdo tu,mcm meracau jer..haha,,bunyi lendir2 sumbat kt tekak..huhu..

then,smlm ak mmpi buruk..as usual,mmpi buruk ak msti psl kisah2 silam ak..huhu..dgn watak yg same..iaitu,
1)slh sorg senior yg pnah pukul ak mse kt skolah..(pukul gang bang-sbb kntoi ak ni plu..huu)..
2)my gud fren mse kt skolah s_ _ _ wan nameny...
3)my other fren..f_ _ d nameny..huhu

dlm mmpi tu,si senior tu pukul2 ak mcm ak pnah kne dlu..kne hentak..tampar..then,dia xpuas ati..slalu buli2..tiap kli terserempak dgn dia..msti dia akn cr pasal..

pstu,gud fren ak tu nmpk keadaan ak yg mcm zombi jer..dia n other fren tu dtg n bg semangat kt ak..

smpai satu mse..ak ngadu kt dorg yg ak xtahan lg kne kaco dgn senior tuh..ak mcm xsabar nk bla dr tmpt tuh..huhu..mse tu (dlm mmpi) ak tgh nanges..

then ak t'bgn,jam kul 4 pg..ak mmg tgh nanges btul2..bkn dlm mmpi jer..mmg terasa sdehny..huhu..dh lme ak xnanges cmtu..sjk ak jaoh dr idup ak yg dlu..sjk ak mula jaoh dr Tuhanku..huhu..

mmg sesungguhny p'alamn dlu tu msh lum dpt dilupakn..smpai terbwk2 dlm mmpi..huhu..ak xtau..dan ak xkn tau kenapa..sume ny berkait dgn perasaan plu ak nih..adoi..pape pun,smoga ak tergolong dlm insan yg b'syukur..amin..huhu..:(

sian dan keliru..:(

salam sume..lme gak xupdate..seminggu lbh..haha..bz ler..huhu

1)kamis lps,ak g lg homeless prgram area KL..as komiti..ak kne wat la kje ckit..hehe..t'msuk la idangkn mknn..sambil2 idang tu,dorg yg amik mknn akn ckp "terima kasih abg,"..adoi..sian ny ak tgk dorg ni..huhu..terharu gak la ble nmpk dorg mkn smbil tgk wayang pacak---antr hiburan yg mmpu dorg tgk..huhu

ad la sorg mamat ni..bersih je ak tgk..br lps mndi kt area situ..(ensem r gak)..haha ..dia amik mknn dr ak..then,ak bg la mcm besa..pstu,dia pdg muke ak then ckp...terima kasih ye abg..sayu jer dgr suara dia tu..dia xnmpk selekeh mcm stgh org len..mgkin dia xde umah jer..tp ad la kje kt area KL..hmm..sian dia n sian sume org homeless..huhu

2)"ak keliru!!!"ungkapan tipikal utk sume org yg xtau nk wat keputusan..tkot nk decide or bimbang nk decide krn memikirkn bnyk perkara..haha

now..ak mmg keliru....i mean..being plu tu dh keliru dah..huhu..tp skrg ni,ak rse mmg ak jtuh cnta..adoi..parah la lg..huhu..

plg konfius ialah..ak suke dia..tp dia xtau ak suke dia..dan..ak tau dia xkn suke ak..huhu..sbbny,ak syak dia suke org len..;(..and anor confusion,dia anggap ak kwn2 jer..tp napelah ak suke kt dia?..hadoi..huhuhu..

leh dikatekn tiap2 hr ak ingt kt dia..huhu..in fact,ak dh ilang minat nk jumpe sape2 kt tnenet ni selagi ak xjumpe dia..haih..perasaan yg ak xtau nk ckp..tkot nk bg tau dan bimbang nk ckp..:(

dan pape aktiviti n rutin yg ak wat skrg is just to deviate me fr hurting myself;dat is to fall for him more..huhu

d truth of.....

salam hi..:)

bertemu lg dlm blog ak yg x seberapa ni..haha..kli ni,cume nk make things clear with simple words tp padat..so dat,sume org leh fhm n xtany2 dah..haha..especialy org yg x suke m'bace..haha..so,kli ni lbh rgkas tp padat..:)

1)psl sumpah ak..

periwtiwa nk berlaku mse ak skolah men..fom 2 klo xslh..kt asrama..lps ak kne belasah dgn abg2 yg lbh tua dr ak..(setelah kntoi ak ni plu..huhu)..dorg wat la mcm 'mini trial'..konnony nk tau hal sbnr la..haha..(ntah pape)..then,ak disuruh wat satu konfession n jnji xmo wat lg bnda2 ni..then,ak wat la sumpah tu..yg kononny ak xmo lg kaco btg org..:(..mmg wierd..tp,tu la hakikat..huhu..dgn rela pun ak wat sumpah tu..so,scr zahirny,klo ak men btg org..then,ak kne la byr kafarah..bnda ni bkn maen2,sbb ak mmg nk tobat mase tuh...tp,ak bkn mcm korg yg ad choice...ak xtau cmne nk xplain..tp,ak mmg xde rse suke kt pempuan sexually..huhu..

one more ting..ak tkot gak nk jmpe org..klo ajk jmpe.msti ak ckp..xmo wat pape..klo nk pun,ringan2 je..xde heavy..tp,ble dh jmpe..dorg la yg nk heavy2..ak ni lak,mmg xreti nk lwn..hadoi..sbb tu kdg2 terlajak gak..losser kn?huhu..ak bkn wat men2 sumpah tu..cume,ak mmg dh cuba tobat,then xleh gak..try avoid heavy..tp..still..ak mmg lemah..:(

2)psl plu ak

ad yg kate..ak nk pikir sex jer klo jmpe mamat2 ensem..ak bkn cmtu ler..huhu..mmg ak suke je usah2 mamat ensem..haha..(yg charming ler)..tp,perasaan n perbuatan tu mcm sorg str8 guy yg pdg pempuan cantik tepi jln...x bermkna si laki tu nk sex jer..cume suke usha jer..huhu..yg bezany,ak usha laki2..huhu..sbb ak mmg x usha pempuan..:(..ak xtau nape..so,jgn la tany..huhu..

3)bout any..

smlm ak tgk citer hindustan "i hate luv storys"..dlm citer tu,diberitau ttg plot2org yg jtuh cnta..haha
i-gadoh
ii-drama
iii-plan
iv-airport

dan,antr tips nk tau s/ad kte jtuh cnta ke x..:-
i-aktiviti rutin mcm bosan n xfokus
ii-dh xminat nk cr psgn len or nk date dgn org len..
iii-asyik ingt kt s/one jer..

n i m truly in love..haha
ok..sekian..hehe..:)

patah tumbuh hilang berganti

salam sume..:)

mcm besa..ak cume nk share things jer..quoting mself...:

and meeting frens either in actual or virtual if i had d chance,
sharing feelings and things that may not matter to anyone,
hoping s/one will lend his ears or eyes stalking d tones,
dreaming s/one will try to grab its theme and expression...haha..:)

1) ak br blk dr pakar kt ampang..dptkn rwatan susuln ttg septoplasty surgery..doc cume ckp..ak leh wat choice nk operate ke xnk sbb my septum deviation is not d cause of my mucus/dust blockage..ak tgh bingung2 n xtau nk pk sgt mse tu..huhu..plus,ak dh kesuntukn mase to caim under 'panel'..lps bday ak,i'll not be covered for any medical expenses..tu yg wat ak lg tmbah bingung..huhu..

then.ak mcm xpuas ati..mntk doc wat ct scan pd hr yg same gak..(ak dh x sabar sgt..)..haha..
i tot,ak ad sinuosity yg sgt kuat..tp rupe2ny,ak xde langsung sinus...then ak terkejut..selama ni,mmg ak ingt ak ad sinus yg trk gler..huhu..(based on scars n acne on my face..).:(..

ak tany doc..klo bkn spetum deviatin n sinus yg blok mucus n dust tu,so..ap puncany?huhu..doc ckp..tu alergi..bkn alergi luaran jer..tp kt rongga dlm sume dh bengkak..sbb tu ad bnyk mukus n bnyk kahak..my filter on nose,x berfungsi dgn baek..huuhu..(hrp2 ad yg fhm la..)..

so,adkah dgn surgeri tu ak akn fully recover?..doc ckp..xmgkin fully..sbb surgeri tu akn hold kejap je..dlm 4-5 thn lg,bengkak dlm idung tu akn dtg terbntuk semula dan mslh yg same akn ad semula..huuhu..plus,komlikasi drpd operation,often bleeding n sudden..huhu..

at d end,doc suh cuci manually..meaning..disbbkn naturally,filter tu dh rosak..so,ak kne tlg cuci..pttny sehari sekali..at least..tp..tgk keadaa..cara nk cuci?..haha..agak sengsara..haha..plus..kne mkn ubat klo perlu n spray idung tiap mlm..haha..mantopp..tp ni sume cume leh kurgkn jer..hehe

skrg..ak cume nk treat luaran..skin..effect drpd blockage tu adlh mukus,kahak n jerawat plus pening kepala..so,inner side,ak dh dptkn cara rawatan utk mengurangknny..then,ak kne g pakar kulit lak..(dh ad apointment - s/ting yg ak mmg elak2 nk g..huhu)..

now..br la ak tau tahap kesehatan ak..haha..bnyk bnda yg ak kne jage n elak mkn..tkot alergi..haha..
sudah patah = septoplasty xyah wat n xde sinus
tp ilang berganti..haha = alergi spjg idup..amik ubat spjg idup..manually irrigate nasal flow..haha..(mcm robot..)

2)on best part..dlm hosp pakar tu,mmg ramai nurse2 laki n pempuan..dh la tmptny cantek..haha..nurse pempuan pun lawa2..(erk,ntah ler..haha)..nurse laki2 pun ensem2..tngi..putih..siot tul..haha..sume nk amik yg ad rupe jerk..haha

3)smlm ak g join NGO bg mknn kt homeless..sje je ikut sorg abg..dia bwk keta n lalu BB mse tgh jem..perh..meriah tul BB yer..haha..

smpai2 jer kt venue,ak terpdg la sorg mamat ensem gler..muahaha..(wah,cnta pdg pertama)..haha..gurau2..hehe..nti ak citer la ek psl mamat tuh..:p

ktorg sume kne htr mknn kt homeless yg duk merata kl tuh..ad kt bwh jmbatan..arae CM..bnyk lg..mmg sian kt dorg..dlm mse yg same..ad bdk2 ank yatim pun tlg sklai..so..ad 2 golongan..ad ank yatim yg ssh2 n ad homeless people..ble ak tgk peringkt2 idup ni..ak pun terpikir la..sesusah ank yatim tu pun,dorg lg untung sbb sekurg2 ny dorg ad umah utk tdo..tp,homeless ni xde umah nk tdo...mkn pun xde duet..kje pun sbhgnny xde..huhu..

alhamdulillah..ak la antr golongan yg ats drpd 2 golongan tu td..huuhu..tersentuh gak tgk dorg..ble dorg amik mknn drpd ktorg tu,nmpk la senyuman lega..seolah2 dorg ckp.."alhadmulillah,ad rezeki utk kte mkn mlm ni.."..huhu..ak mmg suke nk join prgram2 cmni..huhu..sbb tu jela yg mmpu ak wat selain joun jd FASI utk bdk2 skolah yg memerlukn..huhu..alhamdulillah..:) 

btw,ak nk join lg sbb nk usha mamat tu lg..haha..(gurau)..hehe

 pic ats ni..bhgn yg ad itam tu..kt pipi n ats mata..adlh tmpt resdung..klo itam cmtu..mkney xde sinus..kosong..:)

pic ats ni adlh alat n cara utk cuci my filter dlm idung manually..

actual vs virtual / alam nyata lwn alam maya

salam guys

ntry kli ni mgkin pedas ckit sbb ak nk make things clear 4 certain querstions..haha...

1)nape blog ak psl plu n sdeh2 jer..

sbbny simple..ak nk luahkn my feeling yg tersembunyi kt sape2 yg rse dia tu plu=people like us..ak xde kwn2 actual yg kononny leh fhm perasaan ak..kt cni la ak leh luahkn feeling yg bg org kebnykn as haram..dan perasaan2 yg hany ati ak je rse..so wat?ni blog ak..suke ati ak la..klo korg xsuke..udah..xyah nk bace..ak tgk blog org pun bknny ad p'isian pun..share d same thing..sharing bnda2 yg korg suke wat..ak pun wat bnda yg same..cume ak ad 2 dunia yg berbeza..dan ak gunakan virtual world as to adres my weakside or darkside..coz..nobody out there believe dat i m so weak..ok??

2)nape ak down sgt ??

come on la..ak bnyk kli ckp..kt cni je ak down..i mean..ak nk luahkn pape..mostly,yg epi2 sume ak leh luahkn in actual..tp klo sdeh..no one shud no..coz i m not able to express dat side of my feelings..ak xtau nape..maybe sbb ak diajar utk tabah jer...TABAH...TABAH..TABAH...(sbb ap?ak ank sulong..ak ketua dlm organisasi..holding important post..n i m a gud student?leh berambus..ok)..pd hal dorg sume xpnah nk amik tau psl my feelings..so..kt cni la dat side of feelings..ak akn luahkn...FAHAM..???

3)my actual

kpd sape2 yg xpnah nk amik port pun..meh cni ak nk citer..in actual..i m look perfect..s/one yg ati tabah jer...politically,academically,in life or wat ever fields..i m holding few important posts...(alhamdulillah)..then to those yg nk berceramah jer...ak nk ckp yg ak ni dh bg ceramah dkt hundreds of people..as fasi..mentor..trainer..most of d audiences r students,teenagers,including prob tenagers,n tens of adults...sume ceramah psl self bilding...(wow,hebatny..haha)..

then with my non-looking gud appearance..ak ni dianggap s/one yg xtau malu..outspoken..xreti nk berimej tp sombong..haha..diiz r my actual...

tp in actual ap ak dpt ??no appreciation for helping doz ....am I inspired them?..d answer is maybe NO..sbb ap?..no one ever say doz magical words to me..(tq,plz,sory)..except for having certain awards from my campus n one people said:no one can replace u..haha..gud la tu..tp..ble ak xde dgn dorg..dorg xingt ak pun..same jer..melukut di tepi gantang..

4)my virtual..

oleh sbb ak pnat dh nk tnjuk dat i m strong (in actual)..ak try berblog..chating..dan sbgny...expresing my inner parts..dat i m so weak..i just want s/one to kno d real me..to apreciate d real me..huhu..is dat wrong???i m realy looking forward to kno thoz yg maybe ad s/ting hidden dlm diri dorg..haih..ssh tul nk ckp..

but at d end..same je..ak xrse pape pun..klo rse epi ke..sdeh ke..it all virtual..(wtpe nk epi or sdeh dgn org2 yg ak xpnah jmpe)..sia2 jer..leh berambus..then..kdg2 rse jeles..sbb some of thoz (yg kononny duk dgr my stories tu) ad medium len utk berinteraksi..pnah jmpe..ad fon numbers..ym..skype..fb..pr..wow...bgus tul tenet skrg..tp..nape among them tu..ak x termasuk???and to remind..dat jealousy feeling is virtual..haha..bulshittt...

pstu d same feelings apply..i m also not being appreciated in virtual..it makes me even down..VIRTUALLY..it hurts, but then it is BULLSHITTT..

5)nape ak slalu gn emotion sdeh :(

sbbny in virtuall..ak mmg sdeh..ok??even ak suke s/one (VIRTUALLY),tp ak xleh nk luahkn..haha..klo ak epi..ak pun xleh luahkn..abb ap...VIRTUAL je feelings tu....s/one yg maybe exist di ujung talian (lines) tp hakikatny cume jari2 n mata je yg mengexpresskn pape experiences or stories yg xde pape perasaan..haha..

6)conclusion..

i m different in actual...me in actual n virtual is not alike..xyah la nk bg ceramah2...ye..ak tau..ak tau..ak tau...it's all my choice utk pilh sape2 as my frens..(either in actual or in virtual)..tp mostly it was a wrong choice..hahahhaa..feeling bad to myself..i hate dat..huhu

and remmeber guys..diiiz feelings are all in virtual..not in actual..so..pegi mmpos..hahhaha...(w/pun dlm ati ni kdg2 rse nk nanges je..tp xgune..sbb xde sape yg peduli-sbb u guys are all virtual)

btw both world actual and virtual applies d same rule..dat is..both are MORTAL..hahaha...dat is s/ting to ponder..

so terjawab x pesoklan2?..huh..bengang tul ak..(virtually..haha)

i m quoting myself..from prev ntry:-

And meeting friends either in real or virtual if I have d chance

Sharing feelings and things that may not matter to anyone

Hoping someone will lend his ears or eyes stalking the tones

Dreaming someone will try to grab its theme and expression

For a while, I feel appreciated

Afraid of losing them who are so kind

But no changes have been fated

Since I am still alone waiting outside the line

Waiting for someone that won’t come

Confusing myself with the virtual feeling

Something that’s so temporary like foam

But with faith I am still wondering

septoplasty=it's my turn....

salam sume

sjk ahir2 ni ak x smpt nk online..bz msk klas utk 1st week..huhu..xde ap nk share sgt..cume few things je kot..

1)hr ni (10/2/2012)..ak tgh berpose utk hr ke-6..ad 6 hr lg..huhu..mgkin rmai yg x tahu..nape nk pose hr ni kn?..huhu..klo korg ingt..ak pnah citer yg dlu ak pnah besumpah xmo lg maen btg laki2.(sori ckp)..mkneny,ak xkn maen lg smpai ble2..tp mkin lme..ak s'diri xmmpu nk kawal..mgkin sbb ak yg mkin leka dan makin berodsa ni..huhu..oleh sbb tu,setiap kli ak fun dgn sape2,ak kne puasa kafarah sumpah yg dlu pnah ak wat..(other words;ak dh termkn sumpah la ni)..dan ak kne pose utk byr denda sbb langgar sumpah tu..huhu..tiap kli fun,3 hr turut2 ak kne wat..haih..korg fhm x?(i wish ad yg fhm ler...)huhu..

2)dlm hr yg same gak,ak ad apointmen kt hosp..ttg sakit telinga ak yg dlu..alhamdulillah,telinga dh sehat..tp td doc cek punca pd sakit tu..dia cek..dia ckp..ak kne wat operation.SEPTOPLASTY nme opertaion tu..basically,bedah tu..utk buang tulang dlm idung yg blok salur pernafasan n salur mukus..tu la punca infection pd telinga ak hr tuh..huhu..ak cuak gak..mcm2 ak pikir..psl klas..exams..rutin ak pun akn terganggu..ak xdecide lg ble nk wat..tp mmg akn kne wat gak cmne pun..huhu..
besa la,tiap opertaion ad baek n buruk kn..huhu..ak xpnah kne bedah..dlu2 ad gak terpikir cmne duk hosp..now,it's my urn la kot...huhu..dh x rse teringin pun..huhu..tp pape pun,ak berdoa yg Allah akn smbuhkn la ak dr mcm2 sakit..ak dh bnyk sakit2 simple ni..tu jela ak hrpkn..ampunilah ak Ya Allah..

as i said dlm ntry dlu:

Tapi malangnya,aku sering derhaka terhadapNya

Aku malu..aku takut

Tapi ak selalu lalai..dan aku selalu berharap kepadaNya

ampunilah ak Ya Allah..:(

a new sem has come

salam sume..

dh nk stat sem br h bg ak..haha..kejap je cuti..huhu..cume nk truskn baki2 pengajian kt kmpus ak..haha..bnyk bnda ak wat cuti sem 3 ming hr tu..yeah..haha

plg ak suke..dpt kwn2 virtual..w/pun chat kt tenet jer..tp dorg lbh tau pls ak b'bnding kwn2 real..huhu..ak tau xbape elok duk chat je..tp tu jela hakikatny..huhu..ak xrmai kwn..kwn baek pun xtau le ad ke x..huhu..

plg kelakar..ak ad suke (crush) kt s/one dlm tenet ni..adoi..ntah ler..tp dia xkn tau pun..sbb ak xkn ngaku..hehe..tmbh2 lak..ak xpnah jmpe dia la..xkn tbe2 nk ckp suke..btul x??dia pun hot agkny..nk dbndingkn dgn ak..haha..huhu..

cume,mamat ni kasar ckit..besala..jantan la konon..sombong ckit dgn ak..asyik nk gado jer kt tenet ni..haha..so perasaan tu lm2 ilang..mls nk pikir..sbb tu sume perasaan virtual je..yg sgt rapuh n x msk akal..

maybe leh jd kenyataan...tp sgt ssh n amat sukar..haha..so..biar jela perasaan tu..ak smpan..huhu..at least..ak ad gak perasaan..syg..mrh..bengang..haha..

cume ak risau..ak ketagih ber intenet..huhu..kdg2 klo x online kt "situ",ak rse rndu lak..haha..(sbnrny rndu nk chat dgn mamat tu)..haha,,guaru2..:p..

tp..chaters situ xkn rndu ak kot..huhu..melukut di tepi gantang jela..huhu..:(

antr laen yg ak wat..ak jmpe beberapa org chaters..hehe..ad yg nice..sweet..x nice pun ad gak..huhu..ntah ler..ak pun xtau nk komen cmne..huhu..cume,ak xmo dikongkong..klo ad bf or abg agkt pun..xmo la dikongkong..huhu..pray for my goodness plz..;(

pape pun,ak dh ssh nk online n chat dgn dorg tiap2 mlm psni sbb ak dh msk kmpus..ak xde medium nk online sgt kt kmpus..(xde lptop n xde tenet..i m proud of dat..hehe)..klo ad rezeki..ad la chan online..hehe..slmt bersem baru..hehe

just another day....

This morning I woke up as yesterday and before

Either by an alarm’s ringing or a mom’s yelling

A sign to perform an important prayer

Asking for forgiveness and blessings from Him

I walked straight, purifying myself

Checking flaws on my face

Alhamdulillah, it still perfect on its place,

Although the scars of shame are still there

I am grateful, another chance to be here

Then, I’ll attend my responsibilities

Picking up stories of respected personalities

Enabling me to face what I shall see

Helping my family who count on me

Alongside my way

I’ll be meeting those who are happier

Smiling and laughing expressing their day

While I reply to them as what can I appear

Thinking of myself who isn’t able to become alike

Sitting alone and staring at the moment

Imagining their heart is filled with light

It is never filled with hatred yet remains exuberant

After a whole day of so called tiredness

 I’ll return at dusk to my shelter

Resting myself for some time

Before continuing my journey as a traveler

And meeting friends either in real or virtual if I have d chance

Sharing feelings and things that may not matter to anyone

Hoping someone will lend his ears or eyes stalking the tones

Dreaming someone will try to grab its theme and expression

For a while, I feel appreciated

Afraid of losing them who are so kind

But no changes have been fated

Since I am still alone waiting outside the line

Waiting for someone that won’t come

Confusing myself with the virtual feeling

Something that’s so temporary like foam

But with faith I am still wondering

Once a while, I’ll return to the nest

Assisting a mom clearing the mess

Playing the role, acting the best

While I am no one except a hopeless

But again, it’s just a chapter of mine

Waiting to be ended by a finishing

The end that I myself cannot find

Without knowing the future of a living thing